You Might Be Fat If...

As my ode to Jeff Foxworthy, I've compiled a version of You Might Be A Redneck that I can relate to.

You might be fat if:

Your pants come off and that muffin top is still there.

You dread using public restrooms not only for the disgust factor, but also because your butt usually grazes the toilet paper roll when you squeeze into the "regular" size stalls.

You have to contort your body to buckle your shoes on the side because you can't reach down over your belly.

You have to sit in the test seat outside of roller coasters before you stand in line.

Your eyes feel claustrophobic when you smile.

You have to step back OFF the scale to find out how much you weigh.

Your trainer makes you stand up and sit down without weights as a form of exercise.

You daydream about cheeseburgers every time your trainer opens his mouth.

I Lost A Bag of Sugar

Next time you go to the grocery store, pick up the biggest bag of sugar you can find. It should be the 10 lb bag. Then walk around carrying it while you shop. Finally when you're done shopping put it down. I know you're not going to do that but imagine the relief your feet, ankles, knees, and back would feel once you got rid of that sugar. Well I finally lost that bag of sugar. I'm officially 10lbs lighter and still feeling SWEET! :-)

Curing Donelapse Disease

Donelapse Disease

I am working on curing my Donelapse Disease! For those of you unfamiliar with this clinical term, you have this affliction when your stomach done-lapse over your jeans. Now, it’s possible to disguise the symptoms by wearing properly sized clothing and control-top undergarments, but you KNOW your fat when those pants come off and that roll is STILL there. Well several people today have come up to me and commented that I look like I have lost weight and even pointed out my decreased roll. Yay! I still haven’t done a weight check in over a week but I’m feeling better and my pants are buttoning much easier.

Compromising Positions

I think it was Tim's goal today to think up as many ways to embarrass me as possible. He warned me after a few minutes of warm-up exercises (during which I pretended I wasn't already exhausted) that I was going to hate him.....oh Tim keeps his promises. The first compromising position he put me in was telling me to lift a kettle ball and then put it back on the ground keeping my back straight and sticking my butt out. "Oh Lord" I thought, "Those poor people behind me are gonna get an eyeful".  Then after a few more exercises, he takes me back to the stair master where we started the day.....this time there were two goooood looking men sitting on the stationary bikes directly behind the stair master. They were my favorite flavor, the Latin persuasion. Did I want to run away? Oh yeah! It took all my strength to get on that stair master and try to forget my future first and second husbands were right behind me. I was mortified  but it still wasn't over. It was time to do a few more of those wonderful bend-overs but right there in front of the hotties. I prayed that the stair master was blocking their view of everything but I didn't dare check. Tim got a bit of an eyeful himself because he chose to stand in front of me. When he realized he was greeting the twins he moved over to my side. My goal is to eventually feel comfortable enough to do these exercises in front of people like those guys and hey, maybe I'll be confident enough to wink and say, "You're welcome." ;-)

Tit For Tat To Lose That Fat

In a way, it's a little sad that my loved ones are so desperate to see me healthy that they have resorted to bribery. My eldest sister recently emailed me a proposition; for every 10 lbs I lose, she will reward me. I have no shame though. In fact, if anyone else feels inclined, endorsements will be gleefully accepted....Make checks payable to Johanna Johnston. :-)

Good Bye My Love

I sat down with the meal plan specialist, Bill, at the gym today. Bill loves these appointments because he gets to show off his before and after photos illustrating his 100 pound loss. He also showed me a couple other successful clients that have followed his guidance. Bill laid it all out and told me if I follow his meal plan losing weight would be the easiest thing I've ever done. Still going with the six small meals he provided me with the specifics. The highlight for me is that he says once a week after 5pm I can eat anything I want. Yay Cheeseburger Sunday! I'm actually not going to take advantage of that for a while just to get the most out of these first several weeks. Some of the lowlights, no milk, no dressing or sauces, and saddest of all I can't have my favorite FOOD, ketchup. Granted most of what I put ketchup on, I should probably be reserving for those splurge Sundays, but I'll still miss it greatly. Good bye my love. See you again in a few weeks.

Makes me want a hot dog real bad

Weekends are hard enough when your gym routine is based on the work week so you have two days where you can get off track. Then, when you add in events like festivals you're asking for trouble. I went to a fair in Tampa yesterday so needless to say the six small meals weren't going to happen when outside food is not allowed. Walking around smelling all the delicious deep fried aphrodisiacs was challenging my resolve. I managed to leave the fair eating only a salad but my mind kept running the same clip from Legally Blond in my head, boy can I relate.

Eating Is Hard Work

As an accomplished eater, I never thought munching six times a day would be so challenging. After 25 years of bingeing twice a day, its proving to be a difficult habit to break. Making eating even less enjoyable is the burning sensation in my legs when I squat down to reach into the mini fridge at work. Thanks for the pain Tim! Please Sir, may I have some more?

3500 Calories = A Cheeseburger?

I made it through two weeks on my own so I bit the bullet and signed up for a real gym membership. As part of the package I get a complimentary health assessment with one of the trainers. This is basically an embarrassing session where a complete stranger tells you your body fat index is almost 50% and it would take about 2 years to get you in the healthy range. Yay! As Tim is waxing eloquently on muscle burning calories at rest and multiplying it out to show how many calories can be burned at rest in a week he finally stops at 3500 and asks, "Do you know how much that equals?" My reply as my thoughts drift back to reality, "A cheeseburger?" There was a hint of hope and longing in my voice that took Tim by surprise and made him choke back a giggle. After the private humiliation at the desk it was time to go public. Thinking that he could never make me do anything I hadn't done or seen before, he stands on one of those dome exercise balls and does some squats. He was so sturdy and graceful. Piece of cake!....I couldn't even stand on it without wobbling and falling off a few times....we're going to have to start slow I guess.

In the beginning

So here we are starting up a new health kick. Will it last more than two weeks? A friend and manager at Gold's Gym gave me a 2 week VIP pass for free. My initial thought was, "Will I actually go the full two weeks." Whether this newfangled desire for exercise was motivated by the prospect of a new man or by the frustration of squeezing into once upon a time fat jeans is irrelevant. I'm going to work hard and be the best version of myself I can be. Looking at recent photos of myself and my large round un-impregnated belly was also a thump in the pants to get me sweating.